Insomnia

I've been finding that I can stay up all night even though I am extremely tired, and when I finally do pass out, it is not restful. Wtf? Sometimes I think it's because I can't shut down my brain, but others, I have no idea. I seem to have to drug myself lately in order to sleep. 

Yesterday is a prime example. Was awake for 30+ hours and then after waiting all day for a repairman to show, who didn't, I finally drugged myself to sleep at 6 pm. I was just awake. I was tired, but couldn't sleep. I was laying in bed for hours, just tossing and turning. Went to the basement to try to get comfy on the couch, but couldn't. 

Now on the flip side, there could be whole days where all I do is sleep. Since I drugged myself last night I slept 15 hours. Why is this? What is with the two? Do I sleep because of being awake for so long? I've always been able to sleep for close to 12 hours a night. It's rare I feel rested unless I get that much sleep. 

I just don't understand my body. It's driving me nuts.

Summertime... and the livin ain't easy...

For those of you that don't know, heat really screws with people that have MS. 

I am very sensitive when it comes to heat. I don't like it, never have, and if I get too warm, become very confused and extremely cranky. Summer has always been trying for me, besides that I burn on a cloudy day. My friends can tell you stories as to how grumpy and confused I get when over heated. 

Last Friday, went into the city to see the mummy exhibit at the Franklin Institute (it was awesome btw). It was in the 90's and a bit humid. Took the train in, so we walked the few blocks there and back, but even that was enough to make me start dragging my leg a bit. My friend wanted to go from 22nd St down to 8th... by walking. Yeah, f'in right. Made her hop the train from Market to Market East. Even going from the Reading Market to 8th, walking outside, was challenging for me. I was so cranky and wanting to walk into a freezer that I'm sure I was really getting on her nerves. It's hard to relate how bad the heat affects me. 

How can you tell people or try to relate to them that you're whole body, mostly your brain, feels as if it's in an oven and you can't find the door to escape? It hurts when my leg drags, because it throws off my hip on the other side making it hurt and feels like I'm walking in wet sand that is becoming more like quick sand moment by moment. On a good, cool day, I still have to think about walking. Which is more tiresome than one might expect. Seriously, go for a walk and think about every move your legs make and how you feet hit the ground without falling over and while having a conversation and other things. It isn't easy. 

I'm talking about this subject today because this weekend is yet another time where I am missing out on doing things with Ian and his family. He goes out and visits his grandmother at least once a month, but she does not have AC in her historic house. I also missed out on his one family reunion because it was held outside during one of the hottest days of the summer, again. I know I'm not pleasant to be around when I'm warm, and I do not want to ruin his time with his family because of that. So, I don't go. I also know that I cannot sleep when I am warm. Lack of sleep makes me even more cranky and I become sick then. Not the best person to be around, huh? So, instead, here I am hiding out in our basement, keeping cool. 

There are some tricks one can employ to help keep cool; drinking water, a cooling necktie, etc. But they don't exactly work the way one would like. I just find it annoying that I have to miss out on things and not be the most pleasant of people when warm. 

Start of a new rant..

So, being told that I really should start a journal on my issues, I finally broke down and ta-dah! 

My name is Duckie. I'm about to turn 30 in a few days and I have Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I was diagnosed at the age of 24. I lost complete control and feeling on the right side of my body. Was glad it wasn't a stroke or a brain tumor, because after all, I had just grown out my hair and they were in no way going to be shaving my head. I remember wanting to crawl out of my skin while I wait in an ER bed after the doctor said that it could be a tumor. I think that was the scariest part... though, not the most painful. No amount of thin hospital blankets could keep me from shivering at the thought of chemo or any other possibility. 

The most painful was the spinal tap. Sadly, was no where near as cool as the band. They numbed the outside skin.. but not deeper when they were entering a rather thick needle into my spine between my vertebrae. Oh, and then they tilted the whole damn table up and I had to cling on as they kept yelling at me not to move. Wtf, really? 

Anyways, I have regained most control and feeling on my right side. Have slight numbness on the edges of my hand, foot, and leg. Still fall over randomly because of lack of balance, and forget words often. My sentences might have random words or be slightly out of order, it's part of my brain not exactly working correctly. I've noticed this more since I've returned to university. 

I am now in the process of earning my certification in secondary education for social studies on the graduate level. My typing hasn't been the best, but trying hard to keep mistakes to a minimum. Paying attention in class becomes challenging still. I sometimes just have to get up and leave the classroom to regroup my thoughts because it sometimes gets too much for me.

Though, I am thankful for the diagnosis. At the end of my bachelors degree, I swore I was going insane or all of a sudden had A.D.D. or just something was terribly wrong.  I was constantly tired, people would be speaking to me but I couldn't understand them, I would forget things/words, fall (insert Beth laugh), and just know there is something wrong but have no words to describe it.  

I'm still finding new quirks, but still battling the most pronounced symptom/side affect of my illness; depression. I take medications-antidepressants. They seem to help; I'm better than I am without them. I still can be a bit edgy and cranky. I like to hide away still. My boyfriend is a great support, but I hate troubling him with my issues when I know he has his own and is working so hard. Very proud of him btw, as if you can't tell from just talking to me on a normal day. He has a lot of experience with depression himself. So, I know he's been there and would understand. 

I'm getting off subject... I just find the depression the most challenging. 

Okay, so my plans for this blog is basically going to be about my brokenness and random adventures I find myself in. It might be interesting to some, more than likely not. 

I'm the Broken Duckie, read my rant.